Lately I have had conversations with a lot of people that are surprised, confused or impressed at the fact that Silas and I go on weekly dates. I remember talking to the Maxwells when we were in the Valley View Ward and being really surprised that they went on a date every week. I thought it was great but with lots of little kids, no extra money, etc. we just didn't see it as something we could do.
THANKFULLY, due to several different factors we have been going on weekly dates for a while now. But the varied responses I've gotten from others lately made me think about it more...and I put my thoughts down in writing.
Why we go on weekly dates
Background:
For the first few years (ok, 9 years or so) of our marriage (12.5 years) we went on dates semi-regularly, but it wasn't something that we set out to do weekly. I think there were several reasons for this. First, we had more time together when we were first married. Yes, we both worked and one of us was in school for the first 7 years, but we still had more time together. Another reason was that we didn't feel like we had the money to go out, which was true. As we had kids, we needed to have someone watch them when we went out. We traded with friends a lot so usually we didn't have to pay a sitter. This helped a TON, but it still just wasn't a priority for us to go OUT. The more I think of it, we used to spend most evenings together watching something or just being together while we each read or did homework or whatever. And for years this was enough for us. It was enough for me.
About 5 years ago we started making monthly temple trips a priority, which has blessed our lives in ways I cannot describe. That's a whole other subject though. ;) So though this time we had some time away from kids once a month and sometimes we would go out for dinner or on a double date, but still only occasionally.
With five kids and busy church callings (when Molly was one Silas was called to the High Council and I was the YW secretary) we were feeling the strain on our time together without kids. I started to see that when I had time away from the kids, I could be more patient with them the rest of the time. I found a lot of peace in going to Young Women's every week. I have always enjoyed going to Relief Society activities and Book Club. These types of activities help to recharge my batteries. Having the weekly YW meetings and activities I had even more time to be an adult and not worry about my kids.
During this time, Silas and I made the goal to attend the temple twice a month. We have stopped making up excuses like time and money and we just do it. We have to pay a babysitter now so it has added to our budget for sure, but we have found nothing but blessings have come from spending more time together and more time in the temple.
For about a year now, we have also made it a major priority to go out weekly, even in our weekends that we don't go to the temple. With Molly being old enough for Cleod and Ryan to handle, we have been able to eliminate having to pay a sitter on these days and we are sometimes only out for an hour or so. We like to go out for dinner together, enjoying food that I didn't have to plan, cook or clean up. We also have just gotten dessert or hot chocolate, but we mainly just like to go somewhere that we can sit and talk. And laugh. One time we just walked around campus before looking at all the different varieties of pine trees and collecting interesting pinecones to show the kids. Some people don't like talking about their kids when they are out but that's not something we worry about. We like talking about our kids. We like working together to try to solve a problem or just sharing funny stories about something one of the kids has done.
We used to do home dates where we would make something special after the kids were in bed and then watch a movie together. The problem with that is I found myself switching laundry or worrying about dishes. I was at home and I couldn't get myself out of the homemaker mentality. Getting OUT of the house is essential for my sanity.
This has helped us in our marriage and It has helped me to be a better mom. Getting out of the normal routine of cleaning, disciplining, etc. helps me to get perspective that I need. I also found a while back that Silas making me laugh heals whatever feels broken in my heart. (And he is good at making me laugh.) It sounds a little goofy, but it's true. And it's not like I have had some trauma or that I am weak and can't handle my life. I have come to know that I don't have to be the strong one all the time. I have trials, everyone does, and sometimes I feel like my trials (which are mainly stress from the amount of things my to-do list) cause me to feel broken...or maybe just not whole. I have found that through regular prayer, scripture study, temple attendance and listening to good music, I can work through those feelings of being overwhelmed. But knowing that I will have time EVERY WEEK with Silas definitely helps when I feel overwhelmed.
Another reason we go on weekly dates is...we like each other. Silas and I met when we were teenagers and we really just get along. We are happy with each other. BUT, as the worries of the world continue and our family gets bigger and older it is often easy to get frustrated with each other or with situations. It is easy for me to get so involved in my duties at home that I act more like a maid than a wife and mother. Sometimes I feel like Silas might feel like the breadwinner is who he is rather than what he does because he is the dad. Having time together helps remind us that we have someone who is on our side 100% and who deeply cares for us.
These are the same reasons why the last few years we have gone on some sort of trip overnight away from the kids. It is relaxing and refreshing for us as individuals and as a couple.
Another reason we go on weekly dates is...we like each other. Silas and I met when we were teenagers and we really just get along. We are happy with each other. BUT, as the worries of the world continue and our family gets bigger and older it is often easy to get frustrated with each other or with situations. It is easy for me to get so involved in my duties at home that I act more like a maid than a wife and mother. Sometimes I feel like Silas might feel like the breadwinner is who he is rather than what he does because he is the dad. Having time together helps remind us that we have someone who is on our side 100% and who deeply cares for us.
These are the same reasons why the last few years we have gone on some sort of trip overnight away from the kids. It is relaxing and refreshing for us as individuals and as a couple.
Now that Silas is the Bishop and we have a new set of trials, I am so grateful that we had already made date night a priority. We value our time together more than we even have before. Date nights give us time to chat about concerns with the kids or with the ward but mostly it's time just to be together. Honestly, we also like trying new things so eating out is a way to do that. Logistically, date nights don't always fit into our budget, but we have been blessed to be able to make it work. We might not be saving as much as we could but we feel like the pros of being together and recharging our emotional batteries far outweigh the cons.
We also value our time with the kids too. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I love having them home during the summer. I love being able to take them places and I love it that they can help me with chores, making treats and even dinners (Cleod is working on that right now.) So I do value the time I have with my kids, I just recognize that I also need a break from them. We are trying not to busy the evenings when Silas is home and we have also set up a schedule for weekly one-on-one time with the kids and one of us. The kids look forward to that time and they are more talkative when it is just one-on-one.
Regular date nights might not be the norm for all couples after years of marriage. For Silas and I, we have found that weekly dates have brought us closer (or maybe kept us close) and strengthened our family as a result.
